fleyrm

Dear Fleyrm,

What gives?

Sincerely,

Chelsea Clinton

Wed, 30 Mar 2011 20:33:28 -0400

Dearest Chelsea,

I was screamed at in sign language. It was NOT beautiful. It shook me to my core.

My life is a blank canvas right now and I don’t know when the next brush stroke will be, but when it happens, it will be colourful, luxurious, and most of all beautiful… not angry and wet and teaching a free course at Bramsonort.

Photo

Thu, 16 Sep 2010 10:00:00 -0400

"Treat yourself today with a warm bath, some rejuvenation salts from your local apothecary, and your..."

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 18:13:48 -0400

“Treat yourself today with a warm bath, some rejuvenation salts from your local apothecary, and your favorite songs playing lightly on your iPod. Don’t worry if your iPod falls in the tub with you, as the shock is mild and they are relatively inexpensive to replace.”

- Courtney Austen Brown

Photo

Wed, 08 Sep 2010 10:00:00 -0400

pack those (eye) bags

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 11:52:09 -0400

I have a small confession to make. I absolutely love television! I know, it’s weird, but I just can’t get enough of it (when I am not in Courtney-Kraftbox or working on thought designs, natch!) I love to watch style shows like American Dress Hunters, reality shows like Celebrity Butt Race, and late night infomercials like the PunchPunch (the 3-hole punch you can punch!)

My televisual afinity will sometimes catch up with my body, and my eyes pay the price. Staying up late watching television, and then waking a mere 3 hours later can lead to eye puffiness, dark circles, or—in my case—a severe combination of the two. I have a severe case of hereditary periorbital puffiness and colorings that can look as if I’ve been given two black eyes. These unsightly purple bulges led a lot of my private school chums calling me Punching Bag Brown. That, and the punchings they would administer. It can also affect my professional life now! Take it from me, black eyes make it hard to impress clients at a power breakfast at Power Breakfast (located on 96th and Holland Ave.) After my Lifesperiment™ to stay in bed for a full day, I looked like I had been struck by serveral boxers during several boxing matches.

What to do? What to do? Fear not, fleyrmers! Today, I will share with you some tips on how to reduce these unattractive genetic blemishes, and keep you looking beautiful and radiant on even the most meager amounts of sleep.

FreezerBands® — Homegoods company simpleSpaceS™ makes these delightful gel-filled headbands that you keep in your freezer to soak up the cold. Based on the scientific fact that you lose 95% of your body head off the crown of your head, the FreezerBand® releases the saved up cold onto your head, where you need it most. They are intended to be worn around the crown for sports activities, but if you buy a size up, you can fit it around your eyes like a blindfold. Wear it for 15 minutes in the morning and you should reduce the swelling. Do not leave it on for longer than 15 minutes, or else your eyeballs will freeze. My Uncle Jerome found this out the hard way.
Shiatsu massage — The art of shiatsu—Japanese for “pressure finger”—can correct imbalances in the body with incredibly firm pressure from the fingers. A simple 15-minute session with a licensed shiatsu masseur can dilute those pesky blobs of dark skin gunk with precise downward pressure and get you looking your best! Be sure to find a licensed masseur to work on your periorbitals. Untrained pressure fingers might end up squashing your eyeballs like bubblewrap. My former housekeeper found this out the hard way right before her daughter’s wedding.
Aromatherapy — I know, I know. You are saying “Courtney Austen Brown, you cannot be serious! Aromatherapy is so 90’s!” Call me old fashioned, but the old cures are sometimes the best cures. If you go to Manciewicz’s Apothecarie in SoHo (or their online store), you’ll fine a magnificent bath salt with a lovely mix of menthol, camphor, hemlock, and proprietary salt enzymes. Be sure not to use too much in your shower or bath, as it is a strong therapeutic salt that may dry your eyeballs to the point of irrevocable blindness. My aromatherapist found out in a tragic “lover’s bath” accident.
Eye candling — Most holistic goods stores or organic health spas have eye candles available at a low cost. It works upon the same principles as the ear candle or the nose candle. Specially formed to sit in your occipital crater, the candles warm as they burn, drawing warmth and bloodflow to those nasty, putrid lumps of skin garbage. The increased bloodflow will bring a natural color back to your face and also speed up the release of toxins or something. Do be careful not to let the candles burn too long, as the wax will seep into your eye socket and cook your eyeball as it coats. I found this out the hard way, by watching it happen to a stranger.

With a little TLC, you should have those eye bags packed up and moved out of your life for good! Stay active and stay beautiful!

"Savor every bite of every meal. If you forget to savor your meal, order a second! You only have one..."

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 18:11:00 -0400

“Savor every bite of every meal. If you forget to savor your meal, order a second! You only have one life, but you can have two dinners.”

- Courtney Austen Brown

getting your "exorcise" on!

Thu, 19 Aug 2010 09:52:00 -0400

This morning, on the way to my special mailing box in the lobby, I came across our building manager taking down a portrait of Spencer Cullen from the Wall of Residents. Spencer had just moved in to the building, and I had gone to his housewarming party last autumn. He is a stylish, tow-headed young man who has quite the modeling career ahead of him. Needless to say, seeing his beautiful face coming off of the Wall was a great shock. I said “Why are you taking down Spencer’s photo, cowpoke?” Now, I call the building manager “cowpoke” because I had forgotten his name at the time (It’s something like Anish or Tortuga), and it’s fun way to address someone in any circumstance. Cowpoke responded that Spencer was moving out at the end of the week. Not if Courtney has anything to say about it!

I rushed up to Spencer’s humble (but not too humble) abode. As he opened the door, I could see boxes upon boxes full of what I could only assume was Spencer’s personal belongings. Why was he leaving after only a few months in his new apartment? Spencer shut the door behind me and asked if I could keep a secret. I found this very funny because my nickname in college was The Vault for my uncanny ability to keep secrets. Spencer was relieved and told me the following tale. I warn you, this can get a bit spooky in some parts.

Spencer’s tale went as follows:

One night, in late March, I (when I say I, imagine it’s Spencer typing it) was crawling into bed when a horrible noise came from the walk-in closet. It sounded as if all of the boxes and clothes were being thrown to the floor over and over while a woman wailed and wailed in a language unknown to me (the “me” being Spencer still). I (meaning Spencer) threw open the doors to the closet, and the noise had stopped as mysteriously as it had started. Naturally, I (still Spencer) was very scared. The next few days, paintings started to fall off the walls, the television would turn itself on and off at random, and all the clocks stopped at 9:13 PM. Even the digital ones! I (Spencer) was being haunted. By a ghost!

At that point, I (Courtney again!) sat young Spencer down on his white couch from Campaniello Home Design, poured him a glass of 1997 Ressorts Sale pinot, and said “No way, cowpoke!”

I had my assistant arrange a personal consultation with Anders LaTeira, author of the books @ fleyrm-recommended Music of the Aestral Planics. In his book, Anders delves into the world of the astral plane and explains how we get things like ghosts, poltergeists, and blurry photographs. Anders was—and is—incredibly professional. He walked each room of the apartment while consulting with his personal spirit guide Monroe. Monroe is a lot like my personal assistant Elias, but Elias isn’t a dead tobacco farmhand from 1609. Elias went to Fordham for geometry or something.

After communing with Monroe, Anders declared that an evil presence was indeed living inside the apartment! My hair stood straight on end. Spencer gasped. Anders calmed us, saying in his lilting baroque timbre, “This shouldn’t be a problem.” He smiled as he opened his briefcase, revealing a seance kit! (The Anders LaTeira Seance Kit to be sold in the shop @ fleyrm store soon! Just in time for All Hallowed’s Evening).

Anders drew the curtains, lit his candles, and burned some exquisite sage incense. He sat at the table with Spencer, Elias, and I, then instructed us to join hands. Anders eyes rolled back in his head as he communicated with the spirits of the apartment. What came next will haunt my nightmares for months to come, until I finish dream therapy. The lovely lilting baroque timbre morphed into a tremendous demon growl. The spirit was inside Anders! He was shouting at us to leave his apartment forever! Anders was thrashing, trying to fight the spirit. Spencer was shocked beyond words. Elias stood stiff as a board, unable to speak or even blink I would imagine! Anders kept thrashing, the others were useless. That’s when I decided to kick the spirit out myself.

I stood up, grabbed my glass of Riesling, gave it a blessing of holiness and beauty, and threw it on Anders. I shouted for the ghost to leave and never come back. As if by a miracle, the second the blessed sweet wine hit Anders’ crinkled face, he stopped writhing. Spencer stopped screaming. Elias regained movement, and maybe was filled with a joyous spirit of his own, laughing to the point of tears.

Anders spoke with Monroe in spirit language, and confirmed that I did indeed send the bad spirit off to the Astral Plane. However, I would still owe Anders for the consultation, and the dry cleaning costs on his purple crushed velvet morning coat. A small price to pay to help a friend in need. Spencer, however, still moved out. He neglected to inform me he already signed a lease at a new place. At least the apartment will be a place for beautiful spirits instead of nasty noisy spirits. Trust me, it does feel beautiful to bust a ghost. No wonder they made a second Ghostbusters movie!

"Help out a friend or loved one battling depression by reminding them that it could always be worse. ..."

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 11:00:00 -0400

“Help out a friend or loved one battling depression by reminding them that it could always be worse. Then list ways in which their life could be worse.”

- Courtney Austen Brown

"The best part about owning an Indian rug is that it says, “I’ve been to India”..."

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 10:00:00 -0400

“The best part about owning an Indian rug is that it says, “I’ve been to India” when in fact you have never been there and will never, ever go.”

- Courtney Austen Brown

"To gain insight into the lives of those you admire, observe a domestic cat as it sleeps. Then,..."

Fri, 13 Aug 2010 10:00:00 -0400

“To gain insight into the lives of those you admire, observe a domestic cat as it sleeps. Then, observe an alley cat as it sleeps. What’s that? An alley cat never sleeps? Well there you go.”

- Courtney Austen Brown

spruce up summer with retro-condiments

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 16:31:00 -0400

In fashion and food, everything old is new again. Just as I spruced up a nation’s Spring by re-introducing the man-bonnet, I am heating up Summer with these delicious, unique treats. You will surely be the hit of your next dinner party, social event, or private meal with these tasty retro-condiments.

None of these products are available for purchase so I have included the recipes below.

LIBERTY CREAM

During World War I, a lot of dairy products were rationed. Fortunately, a group of homemakers discovered this amazing substitute when they wanted some milk & cream for their cereals and coffee. Once the war ended, people never used this product again… but none of those people were Courtney Austen Brown!

If you’re like me, then you have a horrific lactose intolerance. I refuse to support the soy industry, and I don’t believe that rice milk is a real product. So Liberty Cream has been my number one breakfast condiment for the past eleven years.

Ingredients:

2 Cups of Milkweed Juice

2 Cups of Kidney Bean Paste

4 Whole Red Onions

Instructions:

Pour the milkweed juice and kidney bean paste into a food processor. Pulse, then liquefy. Next, add each onion one at a time. Liquefy each onion as you go. Pour the mixture through a strainer and into a covered pitcher. Chill before serving.

DAGO SLURRY

I first came across this product after I was researching whether or not I had offended a friend of mine. The recipe was still available despite the fact that Dago Slurry was never publicly made available because the manufacturer refused to change the condiment’s name – which is a shame, because it’s delicious.

I know what you’re thinking. I can’t believe you use a product that contains horse meat. Don’t worry. It’s easier to find horse meat than you think. If you talk to your local farm, simply ask them for the carcass of their next dead horse. Then, transport the horse to your local butcher and have them chop it up into sensible portions, also known as steed steaks. (You may need to go to one or more butcher before someone will agree.)

Ingredients:

½ Pound of Ground Horse Meat (or 2 Steed Steaks)

2 Cups of Frozen Corn

1 Quart of Marinara (buy pre-made to save time.)

Instructions:

Begin by pan-searing the ground horse meat until it is golden brown and/or the blood has disappeared. Next, add the frozen corn and continue to stir until the corn is fully cooked. In a separate pot, begin heating the marinara. Add the horse and corn mixture to the marinara, cover and let simmer for 30 minutes.

Cool before serving. Best over hardened bread.

TROLLEY SAUCE

It was known as the original San Francisco Treat when it was first made in 1941. Despite popular opinion, the sauce wasn’t a hit at first. However, unexpectedly, people kept coming back for more and more. Soon it became one of the most popular dressings in all of the Northwest. It was only available Nationwide for seven months before the FDA recalled it for unspecified reasons.

I absolutely love Trolley Sauce. It is the perfect dressing for any grilled vegetable sandwich or wrap. Trust me, once you have one taste, it will be difficult to put anything else on your food. In fact, I even like to have just a spoonful of Trolley Sauce when I wake up, a spoonful with my coffee, after every meal, and before I go to sleep. Also, if I know I will be out having a cocktail or two with friends, I always make sure I have a jar or two with me for those in between drink moments.

Ingredients:

5 Tablespoons of Brown Mustard

½ Quart of Sardine Oil

10 Packs of Cigarettes (200 Cigarettes)- I recommend Marlboro Lights.

Instructions:

Add the brown mustard to the sardine oil. Use an egg beater to whip the ingredients until it becomes a creamy froth. Next, empty out all 200 Cigarettes into to the mixture, gently stir until the tobacco flakes are evenly spread throughout. Serve chilled.

PICKANINNY RASIN SLAW

I do not support racism but I do support flavor. I first came across Picaninny Rasin Slaw when I ventured into an off-limits room in my childhood home. My parents had an enormous supply of this delicious treat hidden away. I remember eating jar after jar until Father found me, passed out next to an open crate.

Raisin Slaw is a simple mixture with a much more complex taste. It was available throughout the country in the early 1920’s for a few years, then later only available in the South, and then only available in Kentucky until it was discontinued in 1992.

This is a wonderful dressing to bring to any barbecue because of its tangy and sweet flavor that complements most pork and beef sandwiches.

Ingredients:

½ Gallon of Vinegar

4 Cups of Raisins.

Instruction:

Place the raisins in the bowl. Pour the vinegar over the raisins. Let it marinate for 72 Hours or until the raisins are bloated with vinegar. Strain the excess vinegar before serving.

BLOOD CATSUP

The tomato, that perennial summer staple, has long suffered at the hand of that perennial summer nuisance, the locust. In 1954, at the height of the nation’s post-war catsup boom, California’s tomato crop was simply decimated by these short-horned devils. Unwilling to tolerate a catsup-free holiday season, resourceful Americans turned to their knives to rectify the situation. The blood of an infant female goat proved to be sweeter than any coastal fruit, and with wives over stove-top, Blood Catsup was born.

Ingredients:

2 cups pasteurized doeling blood
1/3 cup corn starch (for thickening)
2 tbsp. Sugar

Instructions:

First and foremost, you’ll want to isolate the doeling from any family members. Paternal goats are known to become terribly aggressive when suspicious of their their daughter’s immanent slaughter, and maternal goats are known to give this look that is just HEARTBREAKING. Once isolated, lull the doeling into submission by singing softly to it- I’m partial to Don McLean’s “Vincent (Starry Starry Night)”. Place a deep iron pot beneath it’s neck, and with a serrated blade of at least five inches, penetrate the girl’s throat. She’ll bleat and struggle, but it is imperative that you continue singing and sawing through the sinew and soft esophageal cartilage. Assuming the struggle is localized, the doeling’s blood should be collecting in the pot you’ve placed beneath its throat, and it shouldn’t take long for our needed two-cups to accumulate.

Bring the blood to simmer over a low heat (to kill any blood parasites, RAMPANT in goats), adding sugar by the pinch-full to avoid caramelization. As small air bubbles rise from the blood around the pot’s perimeter, introduce your corn starch. This will quickly thicken the catsup, giving it a pleasant custardy texture after 90 minutes in the refrigerator.

Blood catsup is best served over a good old-fashioned hamburger, or as the keystone of the truest-to-name Bloody Mary you’ve ever had. Seriously though, don’t use it on goat meat. Why goat blood tastes so much better than goat meat is just the damnedest thing in the world to me.

Hiding from Italians and goats,

Courtney Austen Brown

"Pop your emotional champagne bottle by greeting the first person you see today with the loudest..."

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 15:18:50 -0400

“Pop your emotional champagne bottle by greeting the first person you see today with the loudest scream you can muster.”

- Courtney Austen Brown

"Anthropomorphizing all of your belongings with googly-eyes is a great way to never feel alone again."

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 14:30:54 -0400

“Anthropomorphizing all of your belongings with googly-eyes is a great way to never feel alone again.”

- Courtney Austen Brown

"Forgiveness is the blue ribbon and gift certificate you win in a photography contest for submitting..."

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 10:00:00 -0400

“Forgiveness is the blue ribbon and gift certificate you win in a photography contest for submitting a photo of a homeless man you took from across the street.”

- Courtney Austen Brown

"A simple way to add depth to any relationship, personal or professional, is to taste each other."

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 15:00:00 -0400

“A simple way to add depth to any relationship, personal or professional, is to taste each other.”

- Courtney Austen Brown

"The secret to being an envied homemaker is not decorating one’s life, but rather living..."

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 13:00:00 -0400

“The secret to being an envied homemaker is not decorating one’s life, but rather living one’s decorations and owning nice things.”

- Courtney Austen Brown

"Eliminate the word “diarrhea” from your vocabulary. It’s dirty word for dirty..."

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 10:00:00 -0400

“Eliminate the word “diarrhea” from your vocabulary. It’s dirty word for dirty people and their ass problems.”

- Mother Austen Brown to Courtney, Age 9.

"Treat yourself to a nightmare tonight. Cut whomever it most reminds you of out of your life."

Thu, 05 Aug 2010 15:00:00 -0400

“Treat yourself to a nightmare tonight. Cut whomever it most reminds you of out of your life.”

- Courtney Austen Brown

fat-proof your kitchen

Thu, 05 Aug 2010 12:00:00 -0400

Unfortunately, maintaining a socially acceptable weight can be difficult. For a food lover like myself, it can be one of the most challenging parts of your life.

First of all, what is a “socially acceptable” weight? Some people will tell you it varies from person to person. Some will say that “socially acceptable” is subjective and that “healthy weight” would be a better term. Other people will tell you it isn’t your weight that matters, but rather something called your B.M.I (Body Mass Index). Wrong.

The socially acceptable weight for adult males is 150-165lbs (with rockin’ eight pack abs); and for females is 105-120lbs (with wrist-legs). These weight ranges are called, “Spring Break worthy ranges” and can be explored more in depth by reading the incredibly inspiring book, Get Ass! Don’t Have One! by Troy Dunbar and his girlfriend, Britney.

While I was dieting, I was able to diagnose a huge problem in my eating habits that was causing me to gain weight: my kitchen. That’s where all of my fat was coming from! So, I made the beautiful choice to be proactive and turn my kitchen into Food Knox*. Here are some tips that helped me and will surely help you too:

Put a lock on all cabinets, pantry doors, and refrigerators. I suggest using different types of combination locks. I also suggest using a different, random combination for each lock – don’t use anything familiar, that will only make it easier for you to get your grubby little pig hands all over the food you should never have bought. If you are a sleepwalker like me, this will make it more challenging for you to inhale that midnight snack that you didn’t know you ate.
Grocery shop the way you normally do. If you want that nougat cake, buy that nougat cake. If you want French Toast hamburger buns, buy those French Toast hamburger buns. If you want that wheel of bacon-brie, buy that wheel of bacon-brie. You’re only human. However, do not eat these items. Let them sit in your locked refrigerators, cabinets, and pantries until they rot. The odor should repel you from entering the kitchen and the money you lose on wasted groceries will certainly give you something to think about.
Find pictures of fat people that you do not like and post them throughout your kitchen. They can be celebrities, friends, or family members. This will serve as a visual reminder of what NOT to become. Also, if ever these people were to come over to your home, it will be an electric conversation starter!
Stop using your bathroom as a second kitchen. Ah ha! Gotcha. As usual, I am one step ahead of you because, dear friends, I. Have. Been. There. Remove your bath-side toaster oven immediately and uninstall your toilet fridge. They are your enemy.
Line your microwave with foil and matches. I am going to ask readers to be careful on this one. This could cause a low-grade explosion in your home that will greatly effect the premium on your homeowners insurance and/or cause significant injuries to a pet or neighbor. Nevertheless, if there is one tip on this list that will make you think twice about eating that Creme Fresh Burrito, this is the one.
Install custom Tred-Mill flooring from Def-Con Home & Garden. This is one of the most genius inventions of all time. A while back, I replaced all of the beautiful, antique ceramic tiling in my kitchen, with an even more beautiful charcoal colored rubber conveyor belt & motor. The flooring acts like a traditional tred-mill and is constantly running 24 hours a day. In order for me to even get near my refrigerators, I need to be in a full on sprint. Also, if I want to make anything to eat, I have to maintain this pace or I will be violently swept right back into my living room. Now, you’ve burned at least 400 calories before even a morsel of food has slipped pass your lips.

I hope these helpful tips not only inspire you to lose weight but also inspire me to keep offering helpful tips.

Currently a few pounds away from being socially acceptable,

Courtney Austen Brown

*Food Knox. This is a humorous play on Fort Knox which is where America keeps its gold.

a conversation with holistic lawyer, Marin DePitrio

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 12:00:00 -0400

When you deal with as many high-profile affairs as I do, you can easily find yourself in less-than-pleasant situations that only the Justice system is willing to mediate. But just because the circumstances may seem ugly, that doesn’t mean you can’t make them beautiful once again.

Having had prior courtroom experiences leave a bad taste in my mouth, I needed something new. Something fresh. Something positive, for a change. I found her. While searching for a legal representative for a case that would take weeks for me to explain properly, I came across a wonderful woman named Marin DePitrio.

Marin is a holistic lawyer who uses the ancient secrets of the East to win cases and I am extremely excited to share her methods with you here at fleyrm.

I invited Marin to my home for a some woodchip tea and conversation. She wore a lovely orange tunic with gold flowers sponge-painted across the waistline. I wore the same.

—

Courtney Austen Brown: As someone other than myself that has played an integral part in my life, I just knew I had to interview you for my website.

Marin DePitrio: I am happy that we are able to have a conversation that isn’t set against the backdrop of an urgent legal battle.

CAB: Me too. So, let’s get fleyrming!

MD: What? What did you say? What is fleyrming?

CAB: Oh, fleyrm is the name of my website. And fleyrming is what I call every conversation I have about it. Feel free to use it. So when someone seeks your counsel, what should they expect?

MD: Well basically what I do is through a combination of herbal remedies and energy transferal I empower my clients with the ability to represent themselves in a court of law.

CAB: No law degree necessary.

MD: Correct.

CAB: Now, what I think is so unique about you is that you don’t even have a law degree.

MD: No. However, I am a notary public.

CAB: That is amazing. I remember coming to you and before I even sat down on your blanket you told me that while I may be innocent, I had the energy of a guilty man.

MD: Yes. You did. That initial reading is very important because it allows me to gauge the amount of work that will need to be done. I then have my clients request a trial date for that amount of time.

CAB: I remember during one of my first small claims cases, you suggested that I request a date of three years later than what was initially scheduled.

MD: You were in a dark place. You aura was nearly black.

CAB: They didn’t give me the date.

MD: You didn’t give yourself the date.

CAB: Right.

MD: But I think we made some real progress in the five weeks we did get.

CAB: True. Even though I lost the case quickly, I did discover my acute wheat allergy.

MD: So you didn’t really lose then.

CAB: You’re right! By the way, feel free to help yourself to the tea.

MD: Thank you I will.

CAB: So what is your process when you take on a new client?

MD: Well, after the initial reading I ask what their case is about. We discuss it. I will prescribe some herbs that I feel will help the client view the case with a clear mind. I then discuss the current state of your mind, body, and soul. We have a small, private ceremony where we shred all documents with bad energy. I also suggest daily affirmations.

CAB: Affirmations such as…

MD: It varies depending on the case but it generally includes: you are able to win this case because you are a good lawyer; you are special because you don’t have a law degree; you have the power to convince anyone of anything because you are a good person who is also a lawyer; and so forth. This tea is awful by the way.

CAB: My assistant made it.

MD: Your energy is guilty again.

CAB: I made it.

MD: Good, Courtney. Good.

CAB: What kind of law do you work with?

MD: All kinds of law. The benefit of not being bound by a ‘degree’ allows me to accept many different situations.

CAB: What is the most satisfying part of your job?

MD: Well, I like meeting my clients. I like working with them. I was working with a man recently who was in a custody battle over his children. He came to me and he was filled with so much anger and stress. He had demons inside of him that prevented him from being the father he should have been. After working with me, I instilled confidence in him that not only could he handle the case by himself but also that he was a good parent. We also worked out a problem he was having with his lower back. When it came time for the hearing, he walked into the courthouse like a new man.

CAB: Did he get custody of his children?

MD: No. But whether or not my clients win the case is secondary to me. What’s important to me is if the experience they have is positive. In his case, it was.

CAB: I think that is so neat.

MD: I just received a letter from him the other day. He’s been working with a case worker who suggested he try getting a traditional lawyer. He said he had one meeting and not even once did the lawyer try to open his chakras. He knew then and there that it wasn’t going to work out. He thanked me and told me that he’s accepting the ruling graciously. Please get this tea away from me, I can still smell it.

CAB: [Throwing the tea in the bushes] Accepting a ruling with dignity is such an integral part of your process.

MD: I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit. Our energy is leading us down unknown paths. For example, if the Universe wanted him to win that case, he would have won. He unfortunately wasn’t emitting the energy needed to win the case. He could apply for an appeal but it truly becomes a stalemate of the ether at that point.

CAB: Wow. Even if you’re the best lawyer around —

MD: — which you are —

CAB: — which I am— you can’t argue with that. Thank you for your time.

MD: You’re welcome. May I use your bathroom?

fleyrm

Dear Fleyrm, What gives? Sincerely, Chelsea Clinton

Photo

"Treat yourself today with a warm bath, some rejuvenation salts from your local apothecary, and your..."

Photo

pack those (eye) bags

"Savor every bite of every meal. If you forget to savor your meal, order a second! You only have one..."

getting your "exorcise" on!

"Help out a friend or loved one battling depression by reminding them that it could always be worse. ..."

"The best part about owning an Indian rug is that it says, “I’ve been to India”..."

"To gain insight into the lives of those you admire, observe a domestic cat as it sleeps. Then,..."

spruce up summer with retro-condiments

"Pop your emotional champagne bottle by greeting the first person you see today with the loudest..."

"Anthropomorphizing all of your belongings with googly-eyes is a great way to never feel alone again."

"Forgiveness is the blue ribbon and gift certificate you win in a photography contest for submitting..."

"A simple way to add depth to any relationship, personal or professional, is to taste each other."

"The secret to being an envied homemaker is not decorating one’s life, but rather living..."

"Eliminate the word “diarrhea” from your vocabulary. It’s dirty word for dirty..."

"Treat yourself to a nightmare tonight. Cut whomever it most reminds you of out of your life."

fat-proof your kitchen

a conversation with holistic lawyer, Marin DePitrio

Dear Fleyrm,

What gives?

Sincerely,

Chelsea Clinton