In fashion and food, everything old is new again.  Just as I spruced up a nation’s Spring by re-introducing the man-bonnet, I am heating up Summer with these delicious, unique treats.  You will surely be the hit of your next dinner party, social event, or private meal with these tasty retro-condiments.

None of these products are available for purchase so I have included the recipes below.

LIBERTY CREAM

During World War I, a lot of dairy products were rationed.  Fortunately, a group of homemakers discovered this amazing substitute when they wanted some milk & cream for their cereals and coffee.  Once the war ended, people never used this product again…  but none of those people were Courtney Austen Brown!

If you’re like me, then you have a horrific lactose intolerance.  I refuse to support the soy industry, and I don’t believe that rice milk is a real product.  So Liberty Cream has been my number one breakfast condiment for the past eleven years. 

Ingredients:

2 Cups of Milkweed Juice

2 Cups of Kidney Bean Paste

4 Whole Red Onions

Instructions:

Pour the milkweed juice and kidney bean paste into a food processor.  Pulse, then liquefy.  Next, add each onion one at a time.  Liquefy each onion as you go.  Pour the mixture through a strainer and into a covered pitcher.  Chill before serving.

DAGO SLURRY

I first came across this product after I was researching whether or not I had offended a friend of mine.  The recipe was still available despite the fact that Dago Slurry was never publicly made available because the manufacturer refused to change the condiment’s name – which is a shame, because it’s delicious. 

I know what you’re thinking.  I can’t believe you use a product that contains horse meat.  Don’t worry.  It’s easier to find horse meat than you think.  If you talk to your local farm, simply ask them for the carcass of their next dead horse.  Then, transport the horse to your local butcher and have them chop it up into sensible portions, also known as steed steaks.  (You may need to go to one or more butcher before someone will agree.)

Ingredients:

½ Pound of Ground Horse Meat (or 2 Steed Steaks)

2 Cups of Frozen Corn

1 Quart of Marinara (buy pre-made to save time.)

Instructions:

Begin by pan-searing the ground horse meat until it is golden brown and/or the blood has disappeared.  Next, add the frozen corn and continue to stir until the corn is fully cooked.  In a separate pot, begin heating the marinara.  Add the horse and corn mixture to the marinara, cover and let simmer for 30 minutes. 

Cool before serving.  Best over hardened bread. 

TROLLEY SAUCE

It was known as the original San Francisco Treat when it was first made in 1941.  Despite popular opinion, the sauce wasn’t a hit at first.  However, unexpectedly, people kept coming back for more and more.  Soon it became one of the most popular dressings in all of the Northwest.  It was only available Nationwide for seven months before the FDA recalled it for unspecified reasons.

I absolutely love Trolley Sauce.  It is the perfect dressing for any grilled vegetable sandwich or wrap.  Trust me, once you have one taste, it will be difficult to put anything else on your food.  In fact, I even like to have just a spoonful of Trolley Sauce when I wake up, a spoonful with my coffee, after every meal, and before I go to sleep.  Also, if I know I will be out having a cocktail or two with friends, I always make sure I have a jar or two with me for those in between drink moments.

Ingredients:

5 Tablespoons of Brown Mustard

½ Quart of Sardine Oil

10 Packs of Cigarettes (200 Cigarettes)- I recommend Marlboro Lights.

Instructions:

Add the brown mustard to the sardine oil.  Use an egg beater to whip the ingredients until it becomes a creamy froth.  Next, empty out all 200 Cigarettes into to the mixture, gently stir until the tobacco flakes are evenly spread throughout.  Serve chilled.

PICKANINNY RASIN SLAW

I do not support racism but I do support flavor.  I first came across Picaninny Rasin Slaw when I ventured into an off-limits room in my childhood home.  My parents had an enormous supply of this delicious treat hidden away.  I remember eating jar after jar until Father found me, passed out next to an open crate.

Raisin Slaw is a simple mixture with a much more complex taste.  It was available throughout the country in the early 1920’s for a few years, then later only available in the South, and then only available in Kentucky until it was discontinued in 1992.

This is a wonderful dressing to bring to any barbecue because of its tangy and sweet flavor that complements most pork and beef sandwiches.

Ingredients:

½ Gallon of Vinegar

4 Cups of Raisins. 

Instruction:

Place the raisins in the bowl.  Pour the vinegar over the raisins.  Let it marinate for 72 Hours or until the raisins are bloated with vinegar.  Strain the excess vinegar before serving. 

BLOOD CATSUP

The tomato, that perennial summer staple, has long suffered at the hand of that perennial summer nuisance, the locust. In 1954, at the height of the nation’s post-war catsup boom, California’s tomato crop was simply decimated by these short-horned devils. Unwilling to tolerate a catsup-free holiday season, resourceful Americans turned to their knives to rectify the situation. The blood of an infant female goat proved to be sweeter than any coastal fruit, and with wives over stove-top, Blood Catsup was born.

Ingredients:

2 cups pasteurized doeling blood
1/3 cup corn starch (for thickening)
2 tbsp. Sugar

Instructions:

First and foremost, you’ll want to isolate the doeling from any family members. Paternal goats are known to become terribly aggressive when suspicious of their their daughter’s immanent slaughter, and maternal goats are known to give this look that is just HEARTBREAKING. Once isolated, lull the doeling into submission by singing softly to it- I’m partial to Don McLean’s “Vincent (Starry Starry Night)”. Place a deep iron pot beneath it’s neck, and with a serrated blade of at least five inches, penetrate the girl’s throat. She’ll bleat and struggle, but it is imperative that you continue singing and sawing through the sinew and soft esophageal cartilage. Assuming the struggle is localized, the doeling’s blood should be collecting in the pot you’ve placed beneath its throat, and it shouldn’t take long for our needed two-cups to accumulate.

Bring the blood to simmer over a low heat (to kill any blood parasites, RAMPANT in goats), adding sugar by the pinch-full to avoid caramelization. As small air bubbles rise from the blood around the pot’s perimeter, introduce your corn starch. This will quickly thicken the catsup, giving it a pleasant custardy texture after 90 minutes in the refrigerator.

Blood catsup is best served over a good old-fashioned hamburger, or as the keystone of the truest-to-name Bloody Mary you’ve ever had. Seriously though, don’t use it on goat meat. Why goat blood tastes so much better than goat meat is just the damnedest thing in the world to me.

Hiding from Italians and goats,

Courtney Austen Brown