I have a small confession to make. I absolutely love television! I know, it’s weird, but I just can’t get enough of it (when I am not in Courtney-Kraftbox or working on thought designs, natch!) I love to watch style shows like American Dress Hunters, reality shows like Celebrity Butt Race, and late night infomercials like the PunchPunch (the 3-hole punch you can punch!)

My televisual afinity will sometimes catch up with my body, and my eyes pay the price. Staying up late watching television, and then waking a mere 3 hours later can lead to eye puffiness, dark circles, or—in my case—a severe combination of the two. I have a severe case of hereditary periorbital puffiness and colorings that can look as if I’ve been given two black eyes. These unsightly purple bulges led a lot of my private school chums calling me Punching Bag Brown. That, and the punchings they would administer. It can also affect my professional life now! Take it from me, black eyes make it hard to impress clients at a power breakfast at Power Breakfast (located on 96th and Holland Ave.) After my Lifesperiment™ to stay in bed for a full day, I looked like I had been struck by serveral boxers during several boxing matches.

What to do? What to do? Fear not, fleyrmers! Today, I will share with you some tips on how to reduce these unattractive genetic blemishes, and keep you looking beautiful and radiant on even the most meager amounts of sleep.

• FreezerBands® — Homegoods company simpleSpaceS™ makes these delightful gel-filled headbands that you keep in your freezer to soak up the cold. Based on the scientific fact that you lose 95% of your body head off the crown of your head, the FreezerBand® releases the saved up cold onto your head, where you need it most. They are intended to be worn around the crown for sports activities, but if you buy a size up, you can fit it around your eyes like a blindfold. Wear it for 15 minutes in the morning and you should reduce the swelling. Do not leave it on for longer than 15 minutes, or else your eyeballs will freeze. My Uncle Jerome found this out the hard way.
• Shiatsu massage — The art of shiatsu—Japanese for “pressure finger”—can correct imbalances in the body with incredibly firm pressure from the fingers. A simple 15-minute session with a licensed shiatsu masseur can dilute those pesky blobs of dark skin gunk with precise downward pressure and get you looking your best! Be sure to find a licensed masseur to work on your periorbitals. Untrained pressure fingers might end up squashing your eyeballs like bubblewrap. My former housekeeper found this out the hard way right before her daughter’s wedding.
• Aromatherapy — I know, I know. You are saying “Courtney Austen Brown, you cannot be serious! Aromatherapy is so 90’s!” Call me old fashioned, but the old cures are sometimes the best cures. If you go to Manciewicz’s Apothecarie in SoHo (or their online store), you’ll fine a magnificent bath salt with a lovely mix of menthol, camphor, hemlock, and proprietary salt enzymes. Be sure not to use too much in your shower or bath, as it is a strong therapeutic salt that may dry your eyeballs to the point of irrevocable blindness. My aromatherapist found out in a tragic “lover’s bath” accident.
• Eye candling — Most holistic goods stores or organic health spas have eye candles available at a low cost. It works upon the same principles as the ear candle or the nose candle. Specially formed to sit in your occipital crater, the candles warm as they burn, drawing warmth and bloodflow to those nasty, putrid lumps of skin garbage. The increased bloodflow will bring a natural color back to your face and also speed up the release of toxins or something. Do be careful not to let the candles burn too long, as the wax will seep into your eye socket and cook your eyeball as it coats. I found this out the hard way, by watching it happen to a stranger.

With a little TLC, you should have those eye bags packed up and moved out of your life for good! Stay active and stay beautiful!